Social Anxiety And Self Centeredness

My name is James, and I’m self-centered.  It’s why I suffer socially, financially, and especially spiritually.

I’ve always known that, but realize that it’s crippling every one of my efforts.  It’s actually funny how self-centered I am.

Let me first distinguish self-centeredness from self-confidence/self-esteem.  Pride in who you are as a person, who God made you to be, and in your honest strengths is not only good, it’s healthy.  It’s a genuine appreciation for the beautiful creation you are – unique in every sense of the word.

Self-centeredness is being so preoccupied with yourself it hides your view of others.

I’m sensitive, I care a great deal about others, but I tend to look out for number one.  If I go out for lunch, I avoid others as to not be weighed down with others’ lunch-orders.  If I let people get in front of me in traffic (and I do often) my motive is only because I KNOW it’s the right thing. But I feel begrudged doing it.  I share my favorite dessert, I offer things, give gifts, and listen intently to other people almost always out of a self-serving attitude.

I kind of always knew this, but my recent attempts to overcome my social anxiety has made me realize how pervasive self-centeredness is.  It’s why I sometimes feel distant from God in my Christian Walk.  I’m looking to be blessed instead of being a blessing.

Even though I write this blog anonymously, I even now wonder how you, my reader, might judge me.  Even this blog is a little self-serving…hey, I want to be brutally honest with you as I grow so you can be helped.

Social Anxiety.  Whether I’m with friends or strangers, I’m preoccupied with everything I do, say, or gesture.

“How am I being perceived?  Was that joke in bad taste?  Look them in the eyes.  Don’t talk too much about yourself…ask a question.”

Yes – seriously!

Then WHAM, it hit me.  I’ve been trying to reconcile helping others and scripture – my life vision.  I was praying, meditating, studying the Bible and authors like Tony Robbins, John Maxwell, Joyce Meyer, Zig Ziglar…searching for the connection between our brain, how it works, and the spirit.

One day, God just said, “Get your eyes off of you and put them on me and others.”  Hmmm…I’ve said that the Bible is summed up in one sentence: Love God, love others, then tell others about the former. (Ref Matthew 22:36-39; Matthew 28:19-20) Yet, here I am, a wonderfully disobedient hypocrite.  But that’s okay, God still loves me as much as he can which is why he corrects me.

The conclusion:  Overcome self-centeredness means overcoming social anxiety.  What is the anxiety? Fear of rejection(because I reject), being judged (because I judge), being criticized (because I’m critical – especially of myself…more self focus)  The Bible tells us to focus on good things (Philippians 4:8)  It’s the first written lesson in positive thinking!

The question becomes: How?  How do I stop focusing on myself and focusing on others.  Tony Robbins is fond of saying that if you want a better answer, ask a better question.  A better question is “How can I focus on others’ feelings, beliefs, and situations better on a daily basis and have fun in the process?”  or “How can I serve others daily and have fun at the same time?”  Now that’s a question I’m going to enjoy answering!

Time Keeps On Ticking, Ticking

Time management (or “Event” Management”) continues to be a challenge. I’m sure many of you struggle with more “to dos” than time. When the calendar runs out, the “to-do’s” become “don’ts”

The problem is everything seems to be a priority. Trust me, this is not an area I am a pro at.

Right now, I’m trying the Getting Things Done approach (http://www.davidco.com) but when I have everything listed out, it just seems overwhelming (and tedious) David Allen, the creator, says that we can ‘own’ it – adjust it as needed – so I’m simultaneously wrapping my brain around how to make the system more intuitive WHILE getting things done!

Whether rich or poor, powerful or lowly in stature, time is the one great equalizer.

Will keep working on this one. Suggestions would be helpful!

Action Steps

The Chinese proverb says that the journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step.

Action. That’s all it takes.  Intelligent action.

I have a tendency to over-analyze things or what’s been called ‘paralysis by analysis’.  It’s easy to look at the WHOLE project, regardless of the scope, and think “This will never happen!”  But just take the first step.

For me, I just created a weekly checklist outlining the minimum actions I need to take each day of the week to stay on course and move my business forward.

Tiny steps.

Exercise:  Look across the room you’re in.  Pick an object on the other side of the room, a table, a picture, a bookshelf, whatever.  Stand up, stay focused on the object and take tiny steps toward it.

Did you get there or did you even try?  C’mon, play along!!  See, it doesn’t matter the size of the steps, only that you continue to take the steps.  Yes, you CAN walk a thousand miles.

The tiny steps I took today include research for a new product, watching a video on generating internet traffic,  and post comments on my FB & twitter business account.  Small, but they are taking me closer.

The option is to look across the room at that object and not even move.  What fun is that?

Tony Robbins & Intensity

Funny things about goals…when you focus on what you want, everything that doesn’t matter, takes a backseat.

Today, I watched Break Through With Tony Robbins (http://www.nbc.com/breakthrough-with-tony-robbins/) And saw a man who didn’t feel like a man and a wife who desperately wanted her man back.

Willie Degel Founder of Uncle Jack's Steakhouse Chain

I’ve been there and I felt for him. Long story short, I was blown away by the intensity of his new boss, Willie Degel. I thought, I don’t think I could work for that man…but I also thought, ‘What if I had half that intensity towards my goals? How would that change things?”

So I took my list of goals and had an honest review of progress. Some good, some okay, but it lacked the excellence I really want. One area I’m definitely lacking excellence is my new position as a property mgr/developer. A new world and I KNOW I’m going back to my old ways of getting information before taking action. This isn’t bad, but for me, it’s a trap. Tomorrow, I’m going to do the things that scare the sh*t out of me first and then plan the rest.

Tonight, I’m almost completely organized with the GTD system in place. I’m getting ready to rock & roll!

Ciao!

Belief Equals Action

If you were told that there was an envelope with $100,000 in it taped to the bottom of your chair right now, would you look?  Maybe if I were Oprah and you were sitting in my studio audience.  But chances are, you’re still reading this and your rear-end is still firmly planted.

Sometime the ability to do something has nothing to do with whether or not we’ll accomplish it.  If we don’t BELIEVE we can do something, we won’t even try.

I’ve been looking at my own beliefs.  Funny that, in pursuing my dream to help people break through their self-imposed limitations, I have to break through my own!  Par for the course.

Questioning beliefs, I found, is a simple way to cut through the garbage.  Like my beliefs about friendships.  I have many, many acquaintances, but very few “friends”.  I’m well liked, and good words come back to me from others, but I’m averse to risking being hurt to enter a friendship until I’m totally sure I won’t be hurt.  Why?  I’ve been hurt many times in my life by parents, siblings, and even my own wife during a low-point where she cut me deep at my weakest point (she still is very sorry)  This belief that relationships equal getting hurt has plagued my life and held me back from many opportunities so I’m setting up a goal to tackle this one.

What are beliefs that are holding you back?  What would you say would be one issue that, if you could take care of, would make your life better or even allow you to pursue your dreams?

Discipline Vs Regret

“We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain ofregret.  The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” – Jim Rohn

This quote is hanging above my keyboard.  Two things have been on my mind lately: Discipline and Belief.  The Bible has plenty to say about both, but this isn’t a Bible study.

The purpose of this blog is to document my success story.  One thing I lack is discipline – a critical element.  It is what I’m going to be focusing on from this point forward.  Starting today, 8/1/2010, I will post one blog per day except for vacations or other scheduled down-days.  I want it to be a voyeuristic peek at a real success journey.

Now, on with the journey.  Discipline evokes some pretty powerful images.  From boyhood spankings, to Pilgrims locked in the stockades.  Another image is that of a crusty old marine who has little tolerance for trivial things like fun and relationships.  Or think of Felix Unger from the odd-couple.

However, discipline is not a task master but a liberator.  Get this in your mind (as I get it into mine) – Discipline = freedom.  No discipline?  You’re still in bondage to bad habits – broke/failure habits.  Here’s where my theory has reached an impasse – can discipline change beliefs, or do beliefs need to change before discipline?  It’s the chicken and the egg.  I think we must change our believes, at least about the process of discipline, before we can have discipline.

Discipline is….

• A friend
• Freeing
• A rewarder of the dedicated
• An esteem builder
• A confidence enhancer
• Able to stand for convictions
• Essential for success and wealth
• Integral to happiness

Decision – make a decision that you’re no longer going to be a prisoner to poor habits.

Integrity – follow through on your decision when nobody’s looking.

Sincerity – have every intention to keep moving forward no matter what.

Courage – choose to believe that discipline will free you from a life of pain and ultimately regret.  Stand firm when tempted to crumble.

Inspiration – read stories of successful people, pray, and, as Zig Ziglar says, when the outlook isn’t good, the UP-look is ALWAYS good.

Persistence – the key to discipline is consistency.  Sporadic attempts equal squat.

Leverage – tell key people you trust what you’re planning so you can’t back out with out backlash!  Accountability is key.

Intelligence – don’t insult your intelligence by lying to yourself: “well, it’s just a little piece…more sleep won’t hurt much…I can always exercise after work….it’s just one drag, what does it matter?’ Squash that little devil on the shoulder before it squashes you.

Never give up – when you fall short (and you will) pick yourself up and move forward. “Though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.” – Proverbs 24:16

Enjoy the ride – choose to find the pleasure in the temporary pain.  Focus on all the things you will gain by being disciplined, write them down, look at them often!

Until tomorrow.

GB

And Then Some…

It’s been a wild ride these past few months and I’m not making the most use of this blog.  If you’re following my progress, I sincerely apologize.  I have SO much to talk about.

Quick updates:

1) The business website – got great feedback from my “focus group” which includes business people I respect, friends I trust, and family members who can be honest…and boy, were they!  Overall, the loved the idea, but I had to re-design everything and change my approach.  Launch date: June 15, 2010!!!

2) Weight – after the initial plan went to hell do to busyness and lack of discipline, I committed myself to running a half-marathon (13.1 miles) on June 6th 10 weeks prior to the day.  I followed a training regiment (I could only run 2 miles at the start) and have lost 20lbs!  I ran the marathon in under 2.5 hours only a few minutes over my goal.  Now, I still have some work to do to get down to my goal weight of 205lbs or better, but I’m so close I can taste it (and it tastes so much better than a malted milkshake.)

3) Marriage – our relationship is getting stronger.  With the challenges and changes over the past 9 months, we’ve learned to depend on each other better and, out of necessity, to communicate better with each other.  We’re also focusing on God and His plan for each of us.  We’ll always have bumps, but that’s what makes it worth it.

Now, that being said, I’m still dealing with insecurity in a lot of areas, but I’ve also come so far.  I’ve been meditating on key scriptures and writing them on the tablet of my heart.  I’m learning to put my full trust in God.  Will I ever?  I hope so.   Honestly, I have great days, and then days that I listen to the enemy (or negative voice, or my past or whatever you prefer to call it) and I feel like I’m not being ‘enough’.

Guys, ever feel like you’re not good enough?  At what?  Fill in your own blank.  If my past experience helping others and working in Men’s Ministry have taught me anything, that when a guy feels safe to be totally transparent, he’s insecure about something.  Yes, even that brawny, barrel-chested, BMW driving, tan, gleaming-white smiling guy with all the ‘right’ connections and matching wife.  He’s insecure about something…in fact, I’ve found that these guys are sometimes more insecure than average guys would ever imagine.

The guy who lashes out and loves a good tussle?  Insecure.  The guy who is argumentative and bulldozes people until he gets his way?  Insecure.  The guy who beats his significant other? Insecure.  The soft-spoken door-mat who acquiesces to demeaning requests…well that one’s easy.  If I were to estimate what percentage of men have some level of insecurity, I would put it at around 92 – 97%

Working at getting secure is working at depending on God and His faithfulness.  Have I arrived? No way.  I’m putting off an uncomfortable phone call as we speak because conflict needs to happen for this friendship to continue.  I’ll make it, but I won’t feel good about it.

Days 13 – 16…Now We’re Getting Somewhere

Today marks day 16 of the official restart.  Over two weeks and, despite surgeries, illnesses, and other set-backs, I now have a crystal clear plan to move forward.

This weekend was especially productive in the planning mode – and, trust me, I can plan until the cows come home without getting anywhere – and it was the best planning session of my life.

What did I do?

For those not familiar with Project Management, I did a Work Breakdown Structure.

Now I explained what I did in great detail, but it got lost during publishing…I guess I’ll have to explain it to you later.  For now, here’s the picture.

Days 7-12…A blurry week

Long story short – wife had issues had to go to the doctor – needed surgery.

I got the stomach bug.

Wife survived day surgery and given two thumbs up yesterday (praise God!)

In the meantime, was able to complete the header for my squeeze page (page where you elicit somebody’s email address by giving away a gift) and fine tune the short music mix.

Working out?  Off the map between caring for my wife and daughter, and being sick, (oh, did I mention my lower back spasmed too?) Trust me, I’m laughing.  There’s an old saying, “If you aren’t bumping into the devil it’s because you’re heading the same way”  I must be on the right track!

Another thing that went exceptionally well (before the poop hit the fan)…Last Friday, I set up an overnight babysitter for our daughter and surprised my wife with a dinner out at one of her favorite restaurants.  Then we to the store and bought a DVD she’s been wanting and watched it together.  That’s what all this is for – focusing on the important things and creating gold nugget memories.

Today is day 13 and will give a status on today…tomorrow

Tiger Woods Apologizes

As a life-long golfer, I’ve always admired Tiger Woods.  His poise, presence, focus, and commitment to everything he does has been admirable.

"I am deeply sorry.."

You may realize that he just made a public statement.  I was not surprised about the scandal, but I was disappointed.  I prayed that he held himself to a higher standard, but see that this prayer was in vain.

Some may criticize his statement.  From their own perspective, slant, and belief, they will make erroneous conclusions about his motive, plans, and what is open game.

I for one take my hat off to Tiger.  I’ve been a fan of the golfer, but have disagreed with Tiger the person.

What we are about to witness is how the strong recover from a fall.  A failure is one who, after he goes down, stays down.  Tiger will rise again with scars no-doubt, but with renewed purpose and commitment.  He will not be oblivious to his detractors.  He will feel the sting as envious, self-righteous people take their swings at him.  But he will trudge onward and upward because his strength is not based on public opinion, but on his own internal values – family, community, and honor.

We’re about to be schooled in overcoming obstacles.  Pay attention.